Going Back… Ramblings…

Remember my saying in order for me to get answers I had to go back to get them?  I did and I’m trying.  I started, it’s not much only two meetings or two Sundays but it feels like so much more since I read the daily scripture and I give more thought to what it all means.  What it means to go back.  Even though I had started to “quit” smoking. After going to my mother’s house and feeling like the judgement of the Lord, Himself was put upon me (mothers have that way about them on occasion) I lit up like a forest fire.  I let myself down, felt like i let my Husband down, and God down and since that time, I’ve smoked off and on.  I’m nowhere near where I was but, I wouldn’t consider myself a smoker – I’d consider myself an anxiety smoker, now or on occasion a “special occasion” smoker (there are just a few occasions when it just is too darned good to pass up a smoke afterward)  Which makes me feel bad because that means I’m not praying like I was in the beginning.  I prayed my heart out in the beginning and I had no desire.  What does that mean?

How can I keep doing this same pattern?  This is what I’ve always done in my life with everything.  I’m predictable, its disgusting.  Why am I not stronger than this?  If I can’t be stronger than this on something small (ok, smoking isn’t exactly small) how can I be strong on something as large as changing my life’s path the right way for the umpteenth time for God?  It’s not like He asks that much from us.  He doesn’t expect us to be perfect in any way.  He knows our flaws, our situations, our pasts, our good and bad choices, and He excepts us through it all.  He is there waiting for us, with open arms, all we need to do is keep our eyes on Him and truly repent for what we’ve done.

“Truly repent” – How do you know if you “truly” repent?  If, as in the scripture I’ve written in a blog before this – our “heart is treacherous” – then how can we know that what we feel is “true” or real and not just temporary thing or a false positive?  I’m a royal pain in the buttocks aren’t I, I know… Try living in my shoes.  This is how my mind works.  I’m not sure if it has always worked this way and that is also an issue.  My brain feels like swiss cheese, if I feel like my brain is swiss cheese – how can I read things right?  I have to listen to my “heart” which feels weighty.  There are times I don’t know what is a joke or is real and that is due to being pushed too many times and being pushing too far without my saying stop; but in the end, am I not responsible for allowing it to go on – therefore allowing myself to become this way?  A person stuck in the grey matter?  (Bringing in the accountability vs. Subservience from the other post)

Even though I have only been to two meeting, while I am there, I am at peace.  I feel God there.  All I can do is keep on this path and hope that He will heal what I have allowed to be done to me, not just in recent years; but most of my adult life.  I can’t fall backward as I have always done, I must continue forward and break my own cycle of predictability.  I have support now, or at least I feel like I have support NOW, even though, in someway or another I’ve always had support to a certain extent.  I see that now.  I wish I had seen it sooner.  God sends us gifts in people we least expect, like the mother that feels so judgemental, but in reality goes above and beyond what she is supposed to or the Husband that is a unbeliever that says “Go to the meetings, I want you to find peace”.  How much more of a brick do you need, before you see Gods presence in YOUR life?

For now, its time for the ramblings to end… I must give to God His due and to Caesar His… and Caesar has me crunching numbers for taxes..

in love and faith,

jane

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