With so much to get done, I am weary and stuck in such a rut. I don’t understand why. I know I saw a candle at the end of this tunnel several weeks ago, shouldn’t it be brighter? I was told it would get harder, before it got better, but I thought that was only in regards to going to the meetings. (which I woke up late on Sunday, and missed the third one)
I can come up with reasons and excuses, none that I choose to accept, because I hope for better days, better answers, better anything quite frankly. I’ve lived this life, as the care giver, not the one in need of care giving. I’m the one that took care of everything for everyone that depended on me, and now, I feel like those that depend on me I let down. I should be able to do better than this, but how? I haven’t given up, I keep trying everyday. The doctors are of no use or help. That’s part of the reason I write. Maybe, just maybe others will understand and offer their wisdom. (It would help if they were also menopausal women, because that I know is part of this whole ugly side of things)
1.) Think positive thoughts. (Not one of my better qualities – even though I get the apps and read them. I even get the emails and read them)
2.) Keep moving. (I am constantly moving, because I constantly forget something, so I’m always up and down. When its nice out I try to go for a walk, when it’s not so nice – I hit one of the nearby stores – not daily because I hate being around that many people and yes, I do understand the issue there.)
3.) Do things that make you happy. (I’m not sure what those things are anymore. What I used to find joy in, hurts more now to do plus I’m so much slower at it. That’s not to say I don’t do them still, there’s more than one way to skin a cat. Even typing hurts, there in the reason for the Dragon program)
4.) Meditation. (Got that in spades, not sure what to do with it, but got that one.)
5.) Yoga. (Can only do so many of the positions, but what I can do, I do.)
6.) Eat Healthy. (Got it! I eat as healthy as I can and then some. Even been to a nutritionist/dietician.)
Am I missing something? Anything? I need energy. I don’t have energy and it’s not due to lack of protein or intentional drive. I want to enjoy this life. I’m in the prime of my life, I’ve raised my birth children, my step-daughter doesn’t need “raising” she’s going to be 17. This is the time where your supposed to be able to have fun and let loose, enjoy learning, do what is necessary, but enjoy life without the added pressures of kids walking in on you in the bathroom, or trying to kill each other.
Maybe that’s the issue, I’m looking for that fantasy I created when I was younger. Thinking life would be something it’s not. Life has proven, its nothing I ever thought it was supposed to be, so why should this time in life be any different? Am I just stupid or naive?
Even though I feel outta sorts on more occasion than not, I am grateful for each and everyday that I do have. I am grateful for the opportunity to love my Husband, my children, my grandson, and my friends. I am thankful for the life I have been given. Now if I could just feel something other than blah, like I’m fading into the woodwork, it would be nice.
In a dark patch of my journey,