The other day was one of those days that the windows of the house needed to be cleaned. It’s a dirty job, one that personally, I hate; ranks up there with dusting, not a big fan. However, it was a beautiful day and with all of the windows being open and the sun shining through, it gave way to thoughts left way in the back of the sub-conscious. You know the ones, those that we don’t speak of. The ones we don’t want to look at too deeply for fear we might have to face them when we look into the mirror. It’s the old adage, the eyes are the windows in to the soul and I had nothing but filthy unclean windows everywhere, which made me consider; when was the last time I truly looked inside myself at my soul, my needs, my wants, my desires. I hate doing it, because I feel selfish and normally guilty for feeling selfish. Alas, I had no choice.
As the windows around the house got cleaner, I found that mine didn’t. I kept putting off the theory that was floating around in my head. “It will go away I don’t want to think about this now.” “It’s too much for me right now I have too many other things to deal with.” “How the hell did I get my arm stuck in the window?” (Yes, I actually got my elbow stuck in the window – distraction will do that to you)
Which brings me back to looking within myself, whether I wanted to or not. I’ve put it off, allowed a few thoughts to come to the surface, like my health issues. I can handle them. I’ve gained back 6 pounds. Good for me! I was 85 pounds and now I’m 91 and gaining. YAY! Keep your eyes on the prize! Got test results back, again another good sign – lungs haven’t gotten worse, they are healing! Again, YAY! However, anyone can work on getting their physical body back to a better condition, it can only go so far for me due to medical conditions, but what do doctors know their only “practicing medicine”, right?
The problem is, that wasn’t really looking very deep into the soul was it? In reality that was staying on the easy layer of dirt on my windows. Granted, my illness has caused me great pain and sorrow, physical and mental anguish; it has stripped me of many things that I know many Jane and John Does’ go through every day to the point that some have even gone so far as taking their own lives because of their own torture. That is why, searching our souls and cleaning the windows inside is so important, so that we can have a better view of how and what we see, and not distorted vision due to all of the outside pressures, misconceptions, unfulfilled hopes and dreams, misunderstandings, etc. that could lead us the wrong way.
It’s time to see through clean windows. To look into the mirror, look deep inside and REACH even deeper inside and ask yourself the hardest questions of your life; no matter what those questions are. What are you afraid of? Me? I’m afraid of all the windows breaking. I’m afraid of losing what I have. I’m afraid of losing everything within me. I’m afraid I already have on both accounts just in different ways that I can’t explain rationally.
That’s the true reason for this blog, and that’s why this is a “part one”.
I hope to continue to see you all along the way, because this journey has so many twists and turns, ditches and cliffs, and mountains to move. Thank you for sharing it with me.